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 h o n e y and the s u n
27 March 2016 @ 04:03 pm
My friends swept me up in heaping scoops of celebration, thai food, and late night cookies. In all my embaressment I teared up only when I got in the car to drive home (something I need to work on but it's a start)

Good tears. The kind to get lost in because you're loved and trusted still. The tears reminded me what I had feared: that in m fours years of overwork at school I would lose my friends. Lose chapters in their life. Perhaps so, but I wasn't left behind and we caught up all the same and reconnected. I was just so grateful I hadn't lost them. That was the birthday gift.

There is so much I want to learn (to better myself in) that I could admit to: to be a smarter, well educated, better ally to the Transgender community. To continue the work I want to do for the LGBQT community (i have grant proposals I want to submit to the Leeway foundation, ideas in the work but it should not be something to do alone) and to be more courageous on speaking about my own experiences I temble about.

What I learned through school was how to more courageous and pratically talk about the violence I experienced as a woman and sexual violence and rape. I must become stronger talking about the violence I experienced when it was targeted at me as a bisexual or lesbian. I don't think what helped was, frankly, being in an all women's college with MOSTLY CISGENDER STRAIGHT MALE TEACHERS. And that all the Cisgender women teachers were straight. So... I don't feel I got to grow as much in that regard. I hope I can find means to grow and strengthen myself in those aspect elsewhere. Moore is changing for the better as a very queer college, I'm honestly sad to leave it when I see it changing for the best. When I speak to the nurse about her doing research and being happy about revamping the office and medication for Transgender youth. I'm proud to be an alumn of the school. I can't wait to see where it will be in a year.
Perhaps all of this had to do with age as well. I didn't connect much to nonbinary students at the school because of our vastly different personalities. I briefly joined the sexuality club a year ago and put in a proposal to have my friend speak about Transgender Health, Issues and Terminology but the money was not controled by me, instead it was controled by a an illustration student who ran the club, as as much of an advocate as she was for LGBQT rights... it went to a lesbian Burlesque show.


or my priorities are just in a more...reasonable, advocating direction...

Either way I'll be out of school and on track. I'd like to get my welding teacher, John Rais, in on a project if I can get his head wrapped around the concept.But he's already done and back me up on a project for queer homeless youth and educated himself one I told him about the idea, so I do think he would work with me on the concept since in truth... it would be a project I would need the help of an iron studio with.
After sudying at Pennland I want to start to apply for grants with an iron studio (as I said, John Rais) and hopefully two LGBQT Activists and Advocates. I think it would take LOTS of grants but could work. With the help of an iron studio I wan to buy a large house or warehouse in westphilly or north philly and flip it to a safehome for LGBQT youth. I know it's already been done but those houses getting flipped get vandalized so easily. I want to make it safe and welcoming. Iron work. Something to recokon with. Something unique to the city all over again and permanent. You don't fuck to protective iron work. you don't fuck with gates.
Glass windows and doors get brocken into but ironwork gets respected and looks...well it looks good too.

Anyway that's the goal.

Off to doing poetry homework.

 h o n e y and the s u n
21 February 2016 @ 02:19 pm
Five Geek Social Fallacies is an influential sociology article by Michael Suileabhain-Wilson, written December 2nd, 2003. It explains many of the differences between regular and geek social circles and how the latter invites unnecessary drama through over-inclusiveness. The five fallacies are:

Ostracizers Are Evil: most geeks come from a background of ostracism and to inflict that upon another, for any reason, is inherently wrong. See in the article bellow 'Ostracism is evil' for uses of this fallacy to silence geek feminist activism.
Friends Accept Me As I Am: any criticism of another's behavior, for any reason, is inherently wrong and a sign that they must not be true friends.
Friendship Before All: the circle of friends is king and to prioritize anything above it, for any reason, is inherently wrong. This often leads to people sacrificing work, family, and romantic obligations to appease their friends.
Friendship Is Transitive: all your friends can and should be friends with each other. Any idea of incompatibility due to conflicting interests, subcultures, and/or politics is inherently wrong.
Friends Do Everything Together: everybody should be invited and included in every gathering. To not attend an event or suggest somebody shouldn't be invited due to logistics or conflicting interests is inherently wrong.

All of these create an unhealthy social climate that protects anti-social behavior and silences those who want to censure or remove the worst behaved members. This becomes especially problematic when sexual assault and/or serious harassment occurs, usually with the result of the victim being forced to give up most of their friends in order to escape interaction with their abuser.

While I think that recognizing faults in the nerd/geek persona are important, the five GSFs listed both overstretch certain parts of nerd personalities while completely ignoring others. It’s really hard to boil down geek and nerd psychology into a simple list, but the GSFs are a good place to start figuring out how nerds and geeks operate.
A common theme in the GSFs is that friendship is a binary relationship. Either you are a friend, or you are an enemy. The article brings up many interesting points, which I think they evince a general theme in nerd culture that is reactionary to prior exclusion and depends on a binary view of friendship. But It ignores the common nerd view that all friends must share the same tastes and merely touches on the differences in social capital that define most friendships. What it mostly shows is that geek/nerd psychology is incredibly complex and cannot be canonized into a few generalizations. Honestly, the conversation has to start somewhere, and it gives a good shorthand for identifying behaviors that we want to see and need to change and see changed in our friends and selves.

Keep it real: you can't be everyone's friend
 h o n e y and the s u n
28 January 2016 @ 05:14 pm
Sure am ready to be done school and get the fuck out. I feel really behind my friends not in an intellectual way, but socially? Fuck. Yes. I feel like the school MILF.
I want to start to date. I want a job. I want a bigger apartment for myself with my own stuff. I want my own income. I want to help my friends on my own time without navigating school work.
 h o n e y and the s u n
08 January 2016 @ 07:48 pm
She is my mirror, shining back at me with a world of possibilities. She is my witness, who sees me at my worst and best, and loves me anyway. She is my partner in crime, my midnight companion, someone who knows when I am smiling, even in the dark. She is my teacher, my defense attorney, my personal press agent, even my shrink. Some days, she’s the crabgrass growing on the lawn of life. She could kid the world, but not me.
 h o n e y and the s u n
18 October 2015 @ 10:17 am
Was it four years ago? Really? Or three. But I began to recognize the patterns and question media at this time. What they showed and how we blindly accepted abuse and rape culture mindlessly.
We would watch TV and I might say "... This is kinda sexiest."
How do you feel when a friend is able to call out a truth in a moment of joy?
I come from a family where a happy dinner and hot meal is discussed with the politics of war?
A good conversation is over the topic of Regan still be the presidential standard despot ate the fact we're told we live in a democracy.
My family and friend conversations are our friends coming over and one saying she's worried her daughter will die one day because she's hiding in Jeruselum. In my family, we know our opinions can be wrong and we think about people more than ourselves.
I was already the feminist killjoy. I think it's pretty good to be able to watch everything with a critical eye. That was also our separation, and I tasted that for a year.
You can't handle the Truth with a capital T but you can handle yourself and try to make everyone else do so.
Fuck girl, that's not being yourself, that's being malignant. I couldn't say "Wow, thats abussive," about a TV show without you calling me a killjoy, and here's the kicker, telling me I was wrong. Fucking right I'm calling it abussive, I would hope a girl who got gang raped by her boyfriend can call out abuse when she sees it. I would hope a person who had a parent beat her can call it. Just because you work with survivors-- does not make you one! It does not make you the expert. Don't you ever talk down to me again.
You told me I was wrong. You told me I was wrong for a good year. Blame the victim? Are you not smart enough to realize that's an act of //violence//?
Don't go creeping back into my life, you are staying at an arms length from me. I acknowledge you, but I do not accept you.
Here's a test to tell if you're right or wrong about your opinions on abuse: 1) Try telling a black person racism does not exist. 2) try telling a person of color there is no racism. 3) tell a black man he is fine and will never get thrown in jail for being alive despite doing everything right.
 h o n e y and the s u n
05 August 2015 @ 05:46 pm
You do not have to be good
You love what you love
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Your ocean both, and mine, close
We murmur alike rolling sands and drift

Meanwhile the sun and the clear waves
are moving across the landscapes,
over the shores with trails of grass,
the soft sands and the wet rocks.

I too rolled up, floated and have been wash'd on your shores
I too am a trail of drift and debris
I too leave little wrecks upon your island.

I throw myself upon your breast
And hook so that you cannot unloose me,

Meanwhile the birds, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things
 h o n e y and the s u n
28 March 2015 @ 12:55 pm
I was up in a rage from a dream
Where you tried to melt snow flakes inside my thigh with you tongue
And that's how it always was.
You be spinnin my words like windmillz Don Quiote gazed on
Pull me down from space and say my words weren't being played on
My song was not being sung when I heard it in the air
My words not strong when they spider web hearts
And scorched a soul
Brought your knees buckling and body in my arms
I could fade world's as I melt into stars
Mixing souls as I let Earth spin into the sun
The beat goes on, my beat goes on, I start your beat on, I bring the hearts to "ohm"
But you cover the moon
Drip the blood
Pin me on the floor and demand I stand
Strands of cracked hair fall to the floor
Down my back
I feel the earthquake under my feet of you reaching for me
From your poison unwelcome death spitting
I am here to say in the name of all I love
I do hereby declare the reality unkept
That you have claimed of me
Standards of dialogue held between us
Standards of love in sisterhood
Of the ultraviolence inflicted upon my character physically and physiologically
Your current frequencies of understanding outweigh that
Which as been given for you to understand
And that I
Have uplifted my sub consciousness of the entire fucking world
 h o n e y and the s u n
07 January 2015 @ 03:32 pm
I do very well with uncertainty. Knowing that I don't have to have it all figured out to move forward, that I can wait a while or a day before I have my own epiphany on what I'm feeling. My biggest mistakes in life (which I am stills Peking on) have all stemmed from giving my powers to someone else - believing that the love others had to offer was more important than the love I had to give myself. It is so hard to love myself still, but when I work I do. When I see what I am capable of I recognize my talents. And I do have to overwork myself but it is incredible. And it is helping beat my depression a bit. Even if I have to get up and work while I can't figure out why I am misty eyed, the result is worth it.
I'm horrid, horrid, horrid at being by my phone and it is okay. I am taking these school years for me and myself. I work two jobs to pay for my tuition along with some money left from savings. I am becoming self made and love it. I won't screw it up.
I'm also not worried or focused on dating or romantic relationships as of late- I like it! I have so much space for me, me, me and promoting myself come my internship this summer. My junior critique went amazingly well, and now I have more security and confidence than ever to see myself in the eyes of those who value me as opposed to those who do not. I know my value and my hard work. I have serious security and knowledge in the work I produce and why it is the way it is.
I focus on the dominance of rape culture in America and the violence we use in language when we are not even talking about anything inherent antsy violent.
I also made coffee porter that is brewing sooo I'll be dropping some off to Jay, Kerri and Erin when it's ready...as I do with all my liquor a.

Catching up on sleep is so cool.
Current Mood: Cleaning!
 h o n e y and the s u n
01 November 2014 @ 07:13 pm
Essay break! I took an hour long nap and am slowly waking up. The same a move works out, it was like the world's best 'epic quest proposal' where you find those people who you want to stay in your life in cahoots with you. I wish I had gotten a little more sleep but I'm wrapping up staying up late and doing midterms.
In the past I never got excited about weddings besides Destinie and Patrick's, but they're artists and did most of it themselves and had epic taste. Nothing at that wedding was boring. Likewise I find myself looking forward to Jay and Kerri's and hope I can do a few cheesy things and maybe help out making some things for the wedding for them.
Erin was right in things being picture perfect in the absolute best of every cheesey romance movie way. I find myself getting a little misty eyed thinking of the personal favorite part when Kerri threw her arms up in the air under the gazebo with (and I will fight anyone on this) the happiest smile I've ever seen on her face. From there on out I'm certain it was all smiles for everyone, minus the parts where Max gets right under my skin and trolls me.
I'm really exhausted from today but so happy. I wish I could be a LITTLE more in touch with my emotions and knock my stupid hardshell off because now I'm all happy-teary-eyed for Jay and Kerri.
It’s probably not just by chance that I’m alone. Come the wedding I'll be well rested and far more on track. Also I won't be run down from midterms or finals.
 h o n e y and the s u n
04 October 2014 @ 06:32 pm
I don’t miss you 

making me

feel miserable.

Two things define you; your patience when you have nothing, and your attitude when you have everything.
There are some people I'm glad I'm not close with anymore.

Okay, look... If you go onto your ex-girlfriend's facebook page and click around, like a bunch of her photos from a /year/ ago... You're asking for a bad time. This has been a very odd two weeks. Ex-friends, ex-boyfriends, my first Friday gallery showing. Life is unfolding like a lotus, but there is still mud drying.
I had to talk to my therapist about the Andrew B.S. I may just send him an FB message, which is a bit of a pain. He probably just needs a reminder that I am really, //really// still not interested in going out. And won't be be ever again. Now that I think of it, that's going to be the key: saying "not ever going to be interested ever."